Dear Pregnant Body
I appreciate you, I really do. You are doing a wonderful thing and should be applauded for that. But at the same time I must confess that recently I despise you.
First of all my Pregnant Chest. STOP GROWING! You grew when I was pregnant with Jack, you grew again when I was breast-feeding Jack and you REFUSED to shrink back to your normal (already somewhat bountiful) size post breast-feeding. I thought you had reached your maximum possible size, but apparently I was wrong. You have decided to start growing on me again and I must say this is simply UNACCEPTABLE. Branden may admire and appreciate you, but I despise you. You make my clothes not fit, I am at max capacity in my shirts and bras and have no funds to buy more so STOP! You hurt my back, every night I want to cry because you throw my back all out of whack and it hurts so bad that after Jack is in bed I am in bed with a heat pack trying so hard to get you to stop hurting! And you are getting awfully hard to cover up. I strive for modesty I really do, but you my breasty nemesis make that hard for me. You are already large enough, you provided just fine for my first baby and if you stop growing I promise you will do the same for the second. So please give me a break and STOP GROWING!
Second, my dear sweet complexion. You were so kind to me and to Branden when I was pregnant with Jack. My body created some sort of wonderful hormone that somehow made not only mine, but Brandens skin perfect as well. Oh how we loved that 9 months of blemish free enjoyability. But what are you doing this time? Its like I'm a greasy 14 year old who spends her evening rubbing french fry grease on her face. Stop getting pimples! They make me feel ugly! and stop giving Branden pimples. We don't ENJOY!
Third Stomach, you know you have been causing me the most troubles. Please oh please stop making me barf. I appreciate that the nausea and barfing is not so unrelenting anymore. I appreciate the breaks. I DO NOT appreciate having to run from sacrament meeting to barf, I DO NOT appreciate having to run at top speed past my husbands study buddies just to have them hear me yack in the bathroom. I do not appreciate the horrified tears the eminate from my child when he sees me wretching! I do not appreciate the intense stomach pains that are not relieved no matter how many times I barf (excuse the talk of bodily functions here), poop, burp or toot. You KNOW that when I release gas you should stop hurting, but you insist on continuing the horrible pain. PLEASE STOP!
Fourth-Pregnancy Brain I'm assuming its you that is at fault for how tired I am and I just need to let you know I do not appreciate it one bit. I am well past the first trimester now and I was assuming the tiredness who come to an end as most pregnancy books promise. But you, you seem to be a rebellious brain. Making me tried WELL past the first trimester. I have things to do my dear brain. I need more energy more ability than just waking up, getting through the work day (barely) making dinner (barely) and finishing the dishes (barely). Instead of having to play with my son while sitting or lying down, I would like to run outside with him and chase him for hours as he is accustomed to. I am no longer a fun Mom because of you. I chase him once down the hallway and I'm toast and its not cool. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who is the best Father who chases twice as long, twice as hard to make up for my lackings. BUT i want to chase him myself. So please oh please stop making me so tired. And while I am talking to you brain, enough with the stupidness. You make me forget basic words. I can't hold an intellectual conversation anymore and the other day when I meant to say appetite I said apptitude. NOT SMART. I like being smart so stop making me dumb.
Fifth-Emotions. Get a handle on yourself. Bawling your eyes out whilst watching the Biggest Loser is not an acceptable practice. I am not a terribly tear filled girl and yet you have made me a sobbing mess. I could barely breath from how hard you made me cry at Forrest Gump the other night ( I was however slightly comforted when I looked ever and even Branden had a tear glistening in the corner of his eye, that is a great movie!) I was crying so hard at The Biggest Loser last night that Jack became most concerned. He brought me his favourite stuffed animal steve to make me feel better and when that didn't work he climbed up and gave me a big hug. AS pleasant and adorable as this was, my baby should not have to comfort me and my insane emotions I should be comforting him and his insane emotions.
Sixth, pregnancy Hair. I adore you. you make my hair less greasy I can go three days without washing without being a big old greaseball. You are growing fast and you are soft and lustrous. You may be the only part of my body I appreciate. So I love you!
In conclusion pregnancy body I know you serve me well in so many ways. You made me one perfect healthy amazing baby and I'm sure you're on your way to producing another. You get pregnant with a ridiculous amount of ease. You are a fertile myrtle body and I appreciate that. But I wish, OH how I wish you could do all these wonderful things with just a little less inconvenience to your possessor