My Life the Catastrophe

All of my life I've been a bit of a klutz. Physical catastrophe is always just around the corner for me and this weekend showed that to an extreme.

On Friday afternoon I was sitting on the couch reading the weekly flyers, which I LOVE, when what should appear in the Zellers flyer but a giant moth. Only I'm a tard and I didn't realize it was a moth (in my defense it was the biggest moth of ALL TIME!) I thought it was a small bird that would attack me at any moment. So I dropped the flyers and ran across the room smacking my shin off a random pole in the middle of our kitchen/slash/living room. It hurt soo bad and Branden ran to my rescue with the flyers to realize it was just a moth. I hid my injury from him because it was embarassing enough to have run from a moth he didn't need to know about my shin smacking on top of that.

Later on that same day on Friday I was getting ready to go out, I had my shoes on and was just rinsing off some dirty dishes at the kitchen sink before I left for the evening and the cupboard under the sink was open (because thats where we put our garbage and apparently I had forgotten to close it after my last garbage deposit) so as I turned to leave the kitchen I tripped on the open cupboard door, went sprawling across the kitchen floor, broke my $3 old navy sandal and landed directly on/slash/in a giant full garbage bag that we had been collecting to take out. Branden could not stop mocking me, it was just too funny for him.

Later on again this same day when I was returning from my outing at about 12:30 at night, I was walking back to our apartment from the car with Jack in tow and we live in the basement of a house so our entrance is around the back and down a set of stairs. Now we have a motion activated out door light back there because it is so dark and we need it, however ours is slightly ghetto and set to come on when you are like 3 feet from it which puts you 3/4 of the way down the treacherous stair case before it comes on. This has never been much of a problem because our next door neighbour has a far more generously set motion activated light that always comes on the second you enter the driveway to light your way down. Unfortunately our neighbours light was not turned on this day so I had nothing to light my way back. So, inevitably as I reached the staircase catastrophe ensued. About five steps from the bottom I slipped and fell down the stairs, dropping Jack. I was soo concerned for him, but he was fine. His carseat just landed softly on the ground below and he didn't even wake up. I, on the other hand, was not okay. My foot was mangled, I had a huge scrape on my leg and my big toe was jammed and in so much pain I couldn't get up. So I had to ring the doorbell and Branden came running to find me crumpled at the front door, crying like a nerd with our baby's carseat sprawled beside me. Once he got over his worry, he immediately laughed, which in turn infuriated me because I really hurt myself. But like always when Branden makes fun of me as much as it annoys me its so funny that I end up laughing and he never takes my fury seriously. UGH! Anyways my toe is still so demented, it is fat and bruised (a picture below for you, but it doesn't show it very well). It hurt so bad that night I didn't sleep at all, I had to hobble through garage saleing the next morning and the Date Branden had planned for us the next day (more on that later) had to be changed due to my retarded foot. Then last night I was so tired from my lack of sleep the night before that this morning we slept in right through church. We so never do that and I am quite shocked that Jack let this occur because it meant him sleeping 3.5 hours straight in the morning, which is a miracle. Especially considering that the rest of the night up until then he had been up every 1 to 1.5 hours.

Here is my hideous toe explosion for you.



And now I will share some other remarkable klutz stories from my past for your reading pleasuring. Consider them the highlights of my very klutzy life.

When Branden and I were first married,in our first very ghetto apartment I was searching in our hall closet one day for something as Branden was in the other room watching some TV. All of a sudden from the other room he hears me scream and comes running to find me collapsed on the floor, again crying pathetically with a hammer beside me. When I was searching through the hall closet a stinkin' HAMMER fell from the top shelf and hit me on the head. Can you even imagine?? It hurt soooo stinking badly, but it was so ridiculous that I had to laugh through my tears as Branden mocked me mercilessly.

Again in mine and Branden's first apartment I was in the kitchen one day getting dinner ready and Branden was in there helping me and had gotten a dish out of one of the upper cupboards for me and left the cupboard open. Several moments later I turned around quickly to do something and smacked my head right off the open cupboard. It hurt so bad so I immediately turned around to yell at/slash/lecture Branden about not leaving cupboard doors open. After several moments of that I returned to my making of dinner and as I turned around immediately smacked my head off the same open cupboard again that I had left open. I was in quite a bit of pain at the second smacking and turned around to yell at Branden again to find him laughing hysterically. Obviosly the second hit was fully my own fault. It was just ridiculous, but oh so painful.

The final story I will share (but trust me there are many, many more that remain unshared for various reasons) happened when I was rather young, 13 or 14 or so. When I was that age we had a basketball net in the front of our driveway pretty close to the street. I was outside playing basketball and quite enjoying myself when I saw the boy I had a crush on at that time skateboarding down the street. I immediately decided that he needed to see me looking like a superstar basketball player so I dribbled up to the net for an impressive layup. Only I wasn't watching what I was doing, I was instead staring directly at him like a GIANT nerd as I dribbled and I ran right into the pole. I fell back and my nose was bleeding and he just continued on by laughing at me. Needless to say he never did return my crush.